Breaking: Biden Drops Out To Endorse Other Biden
Today on the campaign trail, Joe Biden made his first stop at Cherry Health clinic in Grand Rapids, Michigan where he announced he was dropping out of the race to get behind the other Joe Biden. Just like last week’s presidential drop-outs, Joe said he wanted to withdraw his candidacy in time to announce his endorsement ahead of tomorrow’s mini-super Tuesday elections. In his statement, he said:
Folks, thanks for coming here today. I love this place! Look, what’s not to like about Missouri? My name’s Joe Biden. I’m a Democratic candidate for the United States Senate, and I am expodentially thankful to all who’ve supported my campaign. Today, I’ve decided to drop out and endorse the other Joe Biden. Look him over. If you like whatcha see, help out. If not, vote for the other Biden!
Join us in supporting him! You want a nominee who’ll bring this party together, who will run a progressive, positive campaign and turn — turn this primary from a campaign that’s about negative attacks into one about what we’re for — because we cannot get — re-elect — we cannot win this re-election — excuse me — we can only re-elect Donald Trump — if in fact we get engaged in this circular firing squad here. It’s gotta be a positive campaign, so join him! We choose truth over fact, and the other Joe Biden will be a great president who will make sure that nothing will fundamentally change.
Joe’s wife Jill, who had been standing off to the side smiling, walked over and gently put her arm around his shoulders while leaning in to the microphone. She laughed softly while addressing the audience, “Ohhhhh, hahaha! Very funny, Joe! Good one! You had me fooled for a minute.”
She patted his shoulder, and he smiled fondly down at her while the audience applauded enthusiastically. Then, out of the blue, Joe grabbed Jill’s hand and licked her index finger. Jill laughed while pulling her hand back. She stood on her tiptoes and again reached for the mic. “That’s my Joe. Always the joker!” she exclaimed. Joe looked at Jill with a puzzled expression and wrinkled brow. He then glanced at his sister far off to his left, who stood frozen and straight-faced. Joe gathered his thoughts and continued:
So folks, you wanna nominate a Democrat, a lifelong Democrat, a proud Democrat, an O’Biden-Bama Democrat, join us! Vote for the other Biden. Today I proudly endorse him!
You know, I’ve known the other Joe since back when Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King were assassinated in the late seventies. That reminds me — did you know that poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids? Their parents — it’s not that they don’t wanna help — they don’t want — they don’t know quite what to do! Play the radio! Make sure the television — the, the — ’xuse me — make sure you have the record player on at night — the, the, the phono-gr— . Make sure the kids hear words! Yes! We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created by — co’ — you know, you know, the thing!
Do you know why President, um, um, you know — my boss picked the other Biden as his VP? Only to make sure racist white people would vote for him — and they did — they will!
You know, the other Joe and I love kids. When he and I were lifeguards as teenagers in Delaware — and to get hot, we got, we got hairy legs that turn, that, that, that, that turn, uh, uh, um — blond in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub our legs down so it was straight and then watch the hair — co— come back up again. They’d look at it. So we learned about roaches, and we learned about kids jumping on our laps. And we’ve loved kids jumping on our laps!
One of the things I’m proudest of is me and the other Biden getting past — getting moved — getting control of crime — uh, um — gun violence. That’s what happened when those kids from Parkland came up to see us when we were Vice President, and they went into the — and some of you — some of you covered it. Bernie Sanders is in the tank for the NRA. Only the other Biden can stop gun violence from killing 150 million more Americans.
The audience applauded, but pockets of laughter could be heard. The camera panned the crowd as people looked at each other with concerned expressions. Joe pressed on:
My friends, I’m honored to have received your support, and I want you to know there’s nothing to worry about. We’ve got this! You know — you know the insiders at the DNC. They will — the other Biden is assured to beat Bernie and Trump. They’ll keep flipping election results and suppressing the vote in college towns and poor black and Latino precincts by hiding machines and reducing the number of polling places. No worries! They will throw out those provisional, um provisional uh— you know, you know the things — in California.
Jill tried to nudge Joe aside to gain access to the microphone, but at that very moment, Joe suddenly spread his arms wide, accidentally smacking her in the face. She recoiled in pain, and blood trickled from the corner of her lips. A staffer quickly handed her a handkerchief, which she dabbed to hide the blood while forcing a grin. Joe didn’t notice her and continued to speak:
Now I’ve known the other Joe for as long as I can remember. You can trust the other Joe Biden to get the job done! A friend, time friend — and he’s a friend. He’s been my friend in and out of public life. We went to South Africa together and both got arrested. He’s a good man, that Joe Biden. You have people like Margaret Thatch — uh, excuse me, you have p — p — p — people like former Chairman and leader of the Party in the — in Germany endorsing him.
With him at the helm, people can forget about that Commie Bernie Sanders who wants to steal money from the wealthy to dole handouts to the poor. The other Joe will never ever allow that! So thank you all for coming here today, and remember, vote for the other Biden tomorrow on mini-super Thursd — Tuesday! Join us! Go to Joe, three, oh, three, three, oh.
After his speech, Biden was swarmed by journalists. Jordan Chariton of Status Coup asked him:
Vice President Biden, was your decision to drop out influenced by offers from super PAC corporate donors? Did the DNC coerce you to drop out by offering you a cabinet position? Lastly, do you have any comments on Hunter? Fox news is reporting a lot of Biden corruption with Ukraine.
Biden turned to face him, angrily waving his hands in Chariton’s face without replying momentarily. Then he patted Chariton’s chest, grabbed his lapels, and shouted:
Why why why why why why why? You’re getting nervous, man! Calm down! It’s okay! You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier! To answer your question — absolutely not! I’m just ready to retire. The other Biden’s been around a long time and knows more than most people know. That’s why he’s running and I’m endorsing him. And he can get things done. And you wanna check his shape on, you two can do push-ups together. You can run — do whatever you want to do.
Number 2 — number 2. No one has said my son has done anything wrong, and I did not on any occasion — and no one has ever said it, not one. You said I set up my son to work in an oil company. Isn’t that what you said? Get your words straight, jack! Look, okay, I’m not gonna get in an argument with you, man. Look, look, fat, here’s the deal. I wish I were in high school. I could take you behind the gym.
At that moment, an audience member interrupted, asserting: “It looks like you and the other Biden don’t have any more backbone than Trump does. I’m not voting for him,” to which Biden retorted, “Well I knew you weren’t gonna vote for him. You’re too old to vote for him. Look, folks — God damn, no more questions! Just vote for the other Biden!”
This satire is a compilation/amalgamation of verbatim Biden quotes sprinkled with fiction and political commentary. Sources are here, here, here, here and here. Check them out if you don’t believe me. The situation is tragic in every way. Biden’s dementia is no laughing matter — nor is the fact that he’s front-runner for the most powerful job on the planet. My intention here is not to mock him, but rather — by transcribing his own words — to point out that a senile old man stands bared on all the world’s stage while DNC elites commit elder abuse (as we discussed before) in their full scale assault on the American public and the rest of the world through their “liberal” media blackout and electability myth.
DNC insiders know the score. They prefer Trump to Sanders, as we discussed here. No candidate can hold a candle to Bernie, so they’ve openly rigged the process against the will of the people. Biden is a corrupt war criminal who led the push for the Iraq war and later lied about it, backed a neo-Nazi coup in Ukraine, carried out devastating policies on Latin America, etcetera. But Biden won’t be running the show if he’s installed through continued election fraud. Even more depraved criminals will be at the helm.
On a positive note, when normie Dems finally figure out Joe has dementia, it might destroy the Democratic Party once they realize they could have cast their vote for the competent, electable guy with the giant grassroots movement. We need to spread the word quickly about Joe’s dementia. Please tell everyone you know!
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